I know you've heard them all. And many of you can nod your head in agreement and say, "Mmm-hmm, girlfriend." But maybe there are those of you who haven't experienced them. Maybe this blog is for you. So you don't call me when you or your wife is expecting to ask, "What the?" These are just some of the ups and downs of pregnancy, people. Let's start with the plusses.
1. It does wonders for the "girls." (If you have to ask who the girls are, then you are either too young or have too much testosterone to be reading this blog.)
2. The eating. Oh, the eating. I eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and ain't nobody goin' to tell me to stop because Momma's gots to eat! (At least that's what I like to say if somebody dares to raise an eyebrow.)
3. The excuses. I like to use my pregnancy as a trump card to get out of everything: working, running, cooking, cleaning, getting out of bed, being nice... "Mommy, can I have one of your crackers with Easy Cheese?" "I'm sorry, honey, but those ten are for the twins, and those two are for me. I just can't spare any." It's cruel, and yet legitimate. Or, "Mommy, I don't want to go to bed!" "Oh but you have to, because Mommy is making babies and Mommy needs her rest right NOW." (Even if Mommy's emergency rest consists of watching TV for two hours.)
4. The crazies. A crazy is someone who says something crazy without thinking first. They make me laugh, and they come out of the woodwork when you're pregnant. For example, the other day at Motherhood Maternity, I told one such crazy at the cash register that I was having twins and she replied, "Wow, you are BRAVE!" I immediately heard Ron Burgundy in my head saying, "That doesn't make any sense." Like I made some sort of choice to be in this predicament? Or like I have a choice about the outcome? "Oh, you know what? I'm actually sort of a coward, because I almost went to the baby store and took one back but I forgot my receipt that day. But now I do feel brave, because I'm going to keep and raise the both of 'em!" Gotta love the crazies!
5. Pregnancy dreams. Woo-boy, they are wierd! And entertaining! I can't expound because I never remember them, but trust me on this one.
And now for the not-so-fun parts:
1. The caboose. I heard a song on "So You Think You Can Dance" the other night called "Too Much Booty" and I felt sure that the Mother Ship was calling me home. I find myself hearing Black-Eyed Peas and waxing philisophical. "What AM I going to do with all that junk, all that junk, in my trunk?" Good thing I'm married to Sir Mix-a-Lot Smith. (Again, if you have to ask, you're too young or too pure.)
2. My tiny little bladder. This is the great irony of pregnancy. You are supposed to fit like 5 gallons of water a day into what has conceivably shrunk to the size of a pea. Come on! Which leads to number 3...
3. I can't sleep. That is why I am writing this blog at 3:30 in the morning. I get up to pee yet again and return to my bed to find that Mr. Sandman has hightailed out of there, without even leaving a note. Which leads to number 4...
4. I'm tired. Some days, I swear I wake up and take a shower and the act of standing in the shower is more than I can bear, so I have to lie down afterwards. This may sound like a big fat #3 from the plus side, but I'm telling you, it is the truth!
5. I can't really think of one, which reminds me that pregnancy makes you more dumb. I don't know if you are giving what's left of your brain cells to someone else, but I just can't think of stuff sometimes. So please don't give me any math problems. Or ask me where the car keys are. Or ask me my kids' names. It's just...exhausting.