Monday, June 26, 2006

Can I get a witness?

I know you've heard them all. And many of you can nod your head in agreement and say, "Mmm-hmm, girlfriend." But maybe there are those of you who haven't experienced them. Maybe this blog is for you. So you don't call me when you or your wife is expecting to ask, "What the?" These are just some of the ups and downs of pregnancy, people. Let's start with the plusses.

1. It does wonders for the "girls." (If you have to ask who the girls are, then you are either too young or have too much testosterone to be reading this blog.)

2. The eating. Oh, the eating. I eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and ain't nobody goin' to tell me to stop because Momma's gots to eat! (At least that's what I like to say if somebody dares to raise an eyebrow.)

3. The excuses. I like to use my pregnancy as a trump card to get out of everything: working, running, cooking, cleaning, getting out of bed, being nice... "Mommy, can I have one of your crackers with Easy Cheese?" "I'm sorry, honey, but those ten are for the twins, and those two are for me. I just can't spare any." It's cruel, and yet legitimate. Or, "Mommy, I don't want to go to bed!" "Oh but you have to, because Mommy is making babies and Mommy needs her rest right NOW." (Even if Mommy's emergency rest consists of watching TV for two hours.)

4. The crazies. A crazy is someone who says something crazy without thinking first. They make me laugh, and they come out of the woodwork when you're pregnant. For example, the other day at Motherhood Maternity, I told one such crazy at the cash register that I was having twins and she replied, "Wow, you are BRAVE!" I immediately heard Ron Burgundy in my head saying, "That doesn't make any sense." Like I made some sort of choice to be in this predicament? Or like I have a choice about the outcome? "Oh, you know what? I'm actually sort of a coward, because I almost went to the baby store and took one back but I forgot my receipt that day. But now I do feel brave, because I'm going to keep and raise the both of 'em!" Gotta love the crazies!

5. Pregnancy dreams. Woo-boy, they are wierd! And entertaining! I can't expound because I never remember them, but trust me on this one.

And now for the not-so-fun parts:

1. The caboose. I heard a song on "So You Think You Can Dance" the other night called "Too Much Booty" and I felt sure that the Mother Ship was calling me home. I find myself hearing Black-Eyed Peas and waxing philisophical. "What AM I going to do with all that junk, all that junk, in my trunk?" Good thing I'm married to Sir Mix-a-Lot Smith. (Again, if you have to ask, you're too young or too pure.)


2. My tiny little bladder. This is the great irony of pregnancy. You are supposed to fit like 5 gallons of water a day into what has conceivably shrunk to the size of a pea. Come on! Which leads to number 3...

3. I can't sleep. That is why I am writing this blog at 3:30 in the morning. I get up to pee yet again and return to my bed to find that Mr. Sandman has hightailed out of there, without even leaving a note. Which leads to number 4...

4. I'm tired. Some days, I swear I wake up and take a shower and the act of standing in the shower is more than I can bear, so I have to lie down afterwards. This may sound like a big fat #3 from the plus side, but I'm telling you, it is the truth!

5. I can't really think of one, which reminds me that pregnancy makes you more dumb. I don't know if you are giving what's left of your brain cells to someone else, but I just can't think of stuff sometimes. So please don't give me any math problems. Or ask me where the car keys are. Or ask me my kids' names. It's just...exhausting.

9 comments:

April Fossen said...

AMEN! For me the worst was placenta-brain (that's where I completely lost my powers of vocabulary--and almost 4 years out I still haven't regained them) and the clutzies (every maternity shirt I owned had a huge stain on it from some food item). The best--definitely the 2nd-trimester sex-drive. Yep, I typed that out loud.

Hailey said...

Ha! April, you speak truth, my friend. I also want to add to the downside: sneezing. I'm just going to say it goes along with the small bladder and that's all I'm going to say...

lisa v. clark said...

I still can't sneeze and I have to cross my legs when I laugh too hard. . . I always tell Topher, "remember when I was smart? Do you remember when I used to know stuff? That was awesome." Brain cells out with the placenta. Awesome.

I'm sorry you're tired. That's the worst. You sure fake it well. That's why I have inforced "quiet time" everyday (even though my baby's 15 months. . . I'm still tired!). So if you need some extra snacks to get through the day, I say EAT UP!

Jenni Smith said...

Oh Hailey...you poor thing...been there done that!!! Sadly, the no sleeping thing gets worse, as you know, after the baby comes!!! I love your humor!

erin said...

haha... I already miss the eating and the excuses! Enjoy them while it lasts! I still can't believe there are two little ones inside of you!

Shawn said...

What can I say? You are the cutest pregnant person that I have ever known!!

If you remember, I was what I would call a "witch on wheels" when I was pregnant... I remember one time when you were a pre-teen, before I had Maryn, and you asked me when I was going to get pregnant again, as you loved to help take care of babies,....and I responded "Do you remember what I was like when I was pregnant with Clayton?"

To which you replied, after a little reflection..."Ohhh, never mind then..."

So, be thankful that you didn't inherit the "witchy pregnant woman" gene, believe me---it was pure evil...

Dad said...

I don't really know what to say but "you go girl!" You made me laugh and feel pain for you at the same time.

Betina said...

It has been over a week since I read this post and I STILL can't get that song out of my head.

"I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE, NO OTHER BROTHER CAN DENY...".

For the record, Kenneth did not get the Sir Mix Alot joke. More proof that there IS such a thing as too many computer games.

becky baird said...

Hailey...does the story about being in "Motherhood Maternity" mean that you are indeed wearing maternity clothes? I thought you could just unzip your pants and call it a day?

You're a champ. Say hello to the sweet potatoes for me!