Tuesday, December 18, 2007

(There's bound to be lots of) The Writing on the Wall

(Red eyes were left in photo for dramatic effect)

Give me a T! Give me an E! Give me an A! Give me an M! What does that spell?

One terrified mom.

The girls have known for a little while now that lifting up a toilet seat is hard work and therefore not really worth their time. However, as they discovered this morning, lifting up a toilet seat with four hands is not really hard at all and is, in fact, instantly gratifying. The prospect of them using teamwork horrifies me to no end. You don't understand. My number is up. I'm doomed. Let me explain.

My first two children have never really gotten into stuff. "Whoa, wait a minute," you're saying, "No destroyed make-up, no flour all over the floor, no lotion smeared all over the house?" I am totally serious. For whatever reason, they have pretty much ignored all of the tempting household items surrounding them. I remember once when Mila was not even two, we had a big ol' space heater right in the middle of her room. My sister-in-law, Melanie, was shocked when she saw it and asked, "You don't have to put that away?" all the while eying her own one-year old. But Mila had never even given the thing so much as a second look, let alone touched it.

I was pretty sure that Ethan would change things. I mean, he's a boy, right? But I never even put locks on the cupboards when he was toddling around. No interest whatsoever. Don't get me wrong. There have been trade-offs. We've had relatives tell my kids they don't need to shout when they're standing right in front of them. Repeatedly. They both have quite the flair for the dramatic. But I've never had to clean electric blue lip-gloss out of the carpet or anything. So I've listened to my relatives' stories about Sharpies on leather couches and Desitin all over the mirror with mixed feelings of horror and relief.

I'm sure that you hate me now, but let me get to the point. I am bound to have a troublemaker, sooner or later. The odds just don't add up. But now I'm wishing it had been Ethan, because I just know that it's my turn, and it just so happens that I have TWO. Is that fair? Probably. But that doesn't mean that I can't lie in bed and envision all sorts of schemes that my little team might think up with their two little blond heads. Like climbing out of cribs. Taking off dirty diapers. Opening doors, climbing counters, dumping cold cereal, tearing apart books, eating chalk, cutting hair, breaking priceless family heirlooms, punching holes in walls, beating up smaller, defenseless children, have I forgotten anything? So by all means, feel a little sorry for me. In an earlier post, I said that the best is yet to come. But that was just crazy talk. It's totally the worst. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

I AM going to buy leashes. I saw them at Wal-Mart. They're have cute little furry dogs on them or something.

OK, so maybe I'm over-reacting. Maybe they will be complete angels. But when I call you in tears in a few months, I want to be the one who can say, "I told you so!"

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Stuff for a Winter's Night

I got out of performing at a doctor's office Christmas pajama party tonight (wha?) and I'm also an LSFWW (Law School Finals Week Widow), so I put my sweatpants on and I have Dove chocolates with caramel and The Carpenters to keep me company. And it's currently snowing. Can you say COZY? Okay, now let's dish about books and movies.

I am almost finished reading Cormac McCarthy's The Road. Oh. My. Why I am so fascinated with post-apocalyptic subject matter I will never know, but I love this book. I just can't stop thinking about it. I also can't stop thinking about how grateful I am for heat and power and running water and the sun! And my healthy, well-fed children. If you read it, you will know what I'm talking about. Then there is the rumored news that Viggo Mortenson will be playing the lead character in the movie version. So great.

Speaking of rumors, supposedly Ryan Gosling was supposed to star in the film version of Alice Sebold's The Lovely Bones, directed by Peter Jackson, but when he showed up for the first day of shooting, he was fired for being overweight! So Mark Wahlberg got the part instead. Cruel Hollywood. I'm pretty sure it's a true rumor, too, because my friend Chris hung out with one Mandy Gosling in New York. Who happens to be Mormon AND an RM, and who also happens to be her brother's manager. (Awesome job, by the way.) I started reading The Lovely Bones recently and I have to admit, I'm hooked. Which is refreshing since I have not been hooked by some other books I have been reading recently. But Mark Wahlberg? Poor Ryan.

Speaking of Ryan, have you seen Lars and the Real Girl yet? It has been my favorite movie of this whole year and maybe last year as well since I don't see many movies. I laughed and I cried, then I laughed until I cried. The acting was A-MA-ZING all around. Emily Mortimer had one monologue that made me cry just because it was that good. Basically, it had everything that I could ever want out of a movie.

A movie with a similar title is Dan in Real Life. This movie was also very good, although I like Lars better. But Steve Carell is awesome, and I like that when I read interviews with him, he is a normal dad guy, not some crazy-ha-ha-in-your-face comedy guy. I like to think that I am that kind of comedian and so I like people like that. He shows up to work, does his job (which happens to be making the funny) then goes home to his family. I would not call the movie a romantic comedy because that would be insulting it. I would prefer to call it a family dramedy, a la The Family Stone.

Remember The Family Stone? And remember that Rachel McAdams was really great in that? She is set to play the lead role in The Time Traveler's Wife, opposite Eric Bana (remember Eric Bana's biceps in Troy?) I hope The Time Traveler's Wife is a good movie because, I have to confess, when I was talking earlier about books that have not had me hooked, this was one of them. It got kind of boring, and the language bugged me. I have issues with language. And they are not Mormony issues. More like childhood scarred-for-life issues. So I stopped reading it. Another book I can't seem to get through is The Amber Spyglass. The Golden Compass was charming enough, and I made my way through The Subtle Knife, but now, with Spyglass, I'm just sort of not into it. And I'm somewhat confused about whose side I'm supposed to be on as a reader, and that annoys me. I'm going to give it another shot, though. I refuse to mention the title of third book that I'm not that into because I'm having sort of an identity crisis about why I can't just be like the rest of the world and root for a lackluster heroine with no hobbies or interests, whose only thoughts are of a gorgeous guy who is manipulative and could potentially harm and/or kill her. But now I've said too much. (Please don't hate me.)

So, um, speaking of The Golden Compass, my mom and I went to see it last week and I liked it. I was expecting not to, because of the horrible reviews, but the girl who played Lyra was perfectly cast, Nicole Kidman was perfectly gorgeous, and I actually understood a couple things more clearly that I didn't fully get while reading the book. And I assume they plan on making the rest of the movies in the trilogy because, if not, that was the lamest excuse for an ending of a movie that I have seen in a LONG time. Other fantasies that I have yet to see? Stardust and Enchanted, both of which look really good.

Other books that I bought at Costco today for myself? The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, and The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield. I am looking forward to reading the first two and I already read Tale, but it was my sister's copy and I wanted to have one of my own. It is a must-read if you have ever loved a book by a Bronte sister and/or have twins in your life. I devoured it when I was pregnant with the girls. But I devoured a lot in that time of my life...

Sorry if any of this was hard to follow. Those of you who know me know I have no qualms about talking a lot and changing subjects as quickly as the thoughts enter into my mind, sometimes even before. That's why it's good no one can interrupt me on my blog. I would love to hear your recommendations of other books and movies. Or gossip. Well, this was fun! Maybe next time we (meaning I) can talk about TV! Oh. Now I just remembered the writer's strike and I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.