Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The Scary Carrot Jungle

You know what? When it comes to FHE, you're darned if you do and you're darned if you don't. On Monday night, I thought it would be fun and festive to go to the corn maze at Thanksgiving Point for Family Night. We got there at around 6:30. It was a gorgeous evening, not too cold, not too hot--just the right amount of chilliness. Everything was going swell. I received $17 off our total ticket price with my season pass plus coupons, the kids were excited (well, at least Mila was--Ethan was a little skittish and insisted on being carried,) and Halloween was in the air. Ben's brother pointed out a sign that said "The MAZE will be haunted on Monday, Friday, and Saturdays." I made sure to ask the cashier girl about this, who assured me that it was only haunted after dark, and even then not until eight, so we had PLENTY of time. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: major red flag. But I was not going to let anything mess with my perfect plan.

We headed into the maze, laughing and dancing to the music that was playing, all the while following our cute little "tiny tots" clues. We got through the first phase pretty quickly and started in on the second. I noticed it was getting darker but it was only seven, so no big deal. We were almost to the end when we came to a clearing with a tetherball. (The maze had a Napoleon Dynamite theme--of course.) Because it was only 7:15, I told Ben and his bro they should go ahead and play. Ethan, at last feeling comfortable and safe, finally allowed me to put him down. The guys were having fun, the kids were giggling, and I was capturing this wonderful family moment with my digital camera. I was trying to get Ethan to pose for a pic when I heard a revving sound that seemed to be getting closer. "That's wierd, " I thought, "who the heck is allowed to ride a motorcycle in a corn maze?" No sooner did this thought cross my mind, then a clown brandishing a chain saw burst into the clearing and descended on my paralyzed children. All I remember about what happened next is lots of running and lots of me screaming, "BEN! BOONER! GRAB THE KIDS AND GET US OUT OF HERE NOW!!!" and "GET AWAY FROM US! WE HAVE LITTLE KIDS!" and "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT SWAMPMAN!!" After about thirty seconds of this we were in the clear and out the other end. I was a little bit embarassed about my gross lack of calmness in that situation, but there is a reason I don't frequent haunted houses--ever. I am so not cool with strangers jumping out at me in the dark. It's a good thing that I had my children there this time to use as an excuse to keep the bad things away. It's an even better thing that we were so close to the end and that the haunting didn't start back when we were in the middle because I think I would have just curled up into a fetal position and bawled. I had a hard enough time walking twenty feet out of there by myself without asking my brother-in-law to carry me, too. But since he was already carrying my daughter I figured that might be difficult, even if he is 6'4".

After the corn maze incident, we tried to erase the bad memories by taking part in the other, less life-threatening activities that were there, such as the cow train and the animatronic chicken show. But despite our efforts, all Mila could talk about was the scary clown guy. I tried to tell her that it was just a guy in a Halloween costume playing a joke, but she just kept saying, "I just can't think about it that way, even if I try." In other words, scarred for life. Ethan seemed alright until Ben tried to put him to bed and he just kept saying, "There was a green man in that scary carrot jungle..."

I wonder if I will be able to get them to go back for the "Fright Lights" show next Monday night...

Thursday, October 13, 2005

You listened to people, who scared you to death and from my heart...

How about a spooky blog for the Halloween season? So, I have this recurring dream where someone is trying to get into my house. Do you know the dream I'm talking about? Where the intruder is trying to get in and you are running like crazy from door to door, locking each one just before the guy gets there? Only there's like forty doors in the house all of a sudden and so you're like, "Oh crap, the front basement door! Now the back basement door! Aaah! I forgot the secret passage door!" And there's always a few locks that get stuck for whatever reason, so you're trying to get it to turn just as the you hear the guy breathing on the other side! (I guess it can be compared to the chick who always drops her keys when she's trying to unlock her car door in the movies) But I seriously have this dream all the time. So if anyone knows what it could mean, you have to let me know.

Now for the twist. Two night ago when I had this particular dream, there were two interesting guest stars, if you will. First of all, I had a friend with me in the house, helping me lock all the doors. That friend was Ellen Degeneres. That fact in and of itself is not too wierd. I would like to hang out with Ellen, and I bet she'd be a good person to have in a situation like that--she could lighten the mood by telling a joke about door-to-door salesmen or something. As I recall, in my dream she was pretty calm and she seemed to remember all the doors I was forgetting.

As for the intruder, he was none other than 80's pop sensation George Michael. You guys, he was one scary dude! (Not to mention, a very fast runner.) I was so freaked out in my dream because I couldn't believe this guy I was in love with in elementary school wanted to kill me! (Even though I secretly thought he was just dying to get in because he was hot for me, as is usually the case when my vain subconscious is running the show) And I felt kind of cheated, because if George Michael is going to be in my dream, even as a psychopath, couldn't he at least be singing something while he's trying to break in? But no, I didn't even get"Kissing a Fool."

In the end, Ellen and I got all the doors locked and George couldn't get in. So that was good. But I sincerely hope that the next dream I have with Ellen and George is something a little more relaxing, like a tupperware party maybe. Because I really want to get to know those guys!