You can take the girl out of the cheap, but...

Disclaimer: I am not trying to be appear ungrateful and insensitive in this post. I am truly grateful for the generous gifts I have received. I'm just trying to be honest about something I really struggle with. I do believe that I'm not alone in this.

Yeah, I'm cheap. Proud of it.

I was one of those people who used to drive to the gas station advertising the cheapest gas in the city limits. Nothing gives me a greater thrill than getting clothing for ridiculously low prices, or three boxes of cereal for the price of one. Nothing horrifies me more than feeling pressured to pay full price for something. And so you can imagine my dilemma when, for the second year in a row, I have been given a gift card to Anthropologie.

Yes, I know, I'm a spoiled brat. What female in America would complain about free money to spend at Anthro? Am I out of my mind?

Let me just back it up by saying that my mom's creed has always been, "My life's dream is to be able to walk into Target and buy whatever I want." So, yes, I am from Target stock. Target is my people. I simply was not raised at Anthro prices.

A tee-shirt at Anthro costs $70. A TEE-SHIRT. As I typed that, my heart actually failed me a little. What about a new pair of skinny jeans? Oh, that sounds fun! Oh, $160? Ain't no thing! Yeah, no, it is a HUGE thing. What the what? I'm sorry, but even if someone gave me all the money in the free world, I could not bring myself to pay that much for an article of clothing. I just.can't.do.it. Unless, of course, that article of clothing is going to clean my toilets. Only then would I MAYBE consider it.

So, you see my problem. I would rather have 10 adorable shirts that cost me $10 each than one t-shirt that will render me unable to ever even look in my kids' direction when they are eating, let alone touch them. Ben gets into this state at church when he's wearing his custom suit that makes me laugh inside. He deftly scoops all the crayon-bearing, snot-nosed children around him, maintaining a 3 foot perimeter at all times. Not me. I snatch up those Primary kids in all their booger and spit up and graham cracker crumb glory and get it all over myself in the process, because I know my sweater cost me $14.95 and it's not the end of the world. See? Cheapness=peace of mind+favorite Primary substitute teacher.

My cousin is a designer for Kate Spade. I would probably rather stick a needle in my eye before I'd even consider purchasing a designer purse, but make those bags $20 a piece? I'm all over it. But then I have to take it one step further. The cheap person's disease is not only restricted to buying cheap stuff, but they feel the need to tell every stranger on the street just how cheap it was. All the time at school, I get compliments on my coats. "Target!" I blurt out, as the person stares at me quizzically. But every once in a while, that other person will say, "NO way, I just don't believe it!" and that makes it all worth it. As for the Kate Spade loot, I should just smile mysteriously and say, "Why, thank you," when someone notices my fancy handbag. But no, I just have to yell out, "$20 at a sample sale!" and I just made myself nerdy cheap girl again (Ben gets so embarrassed. He loves to buy and wear nice things. Conversely, I'm embarrassed for him because of it. Our marriage is balanced.)

So, any advice? How do I get over my cheapness long enough to forget that $50 would go such a long way at H&M, but will only get me half a shirt at Anthro? I know what you're thinking. I should just buy some more latte bowls and be done with it.

Sidenote: With my Anthro gift card last year, I purchased a purse and shoes on clearance. Within a month, the rosettes on the bag were falling off, and the flower on my shoe fell off as well. I fixed them both with super glue. So much for better quality, eh?

Only in New York: 2011 Highlights

Since there's always the off chance that 2011 might be the only full year of my life that I spend in New York City, I want to always remember all the amazing things that I got to do, things that are only possible in this one-of-a-kind place. So here are my top ten, in no particular order:

1. Attended a live taping of a Project Runway fashion show.

My cohorts and I braved rain, early hours, abandoned children, and getting lost to attend an event that could have easily been canceled. But it's one of my favorite shows, I had to try! And in this case, trying paid off. BIG TIME. We stood in the front row, had great views of Heidi, Michael, and Nina, and we met Tim Gunn. The only person I wanted to meet in New York was Tim Gunn, and I did it! It was truly an amazing, surreal day. Perfect.






2. The Alexander McQueen exhibit at the Met.

My friend and I went early in the season while the littles were at pre-school and I'm so glad we did. It was amazing and beautiful and inspiring, and cost me $2! I tried to go back again, but the lines went all the way out into the park. I learned a little something about how beauty can come in surprising forms, and how fashion can truly be art. Also, taking risks is not a bad thing.

3. Scored VIP seats to the free Andrea Boccelli/NY Philharmonic concert in Central Park.

I adore Central Park. I love music. I love free stuff. I even kind of love rain. Combine all four, and you have a magical evening, which was only made more magical by the fact that we stumbled upon VIP tickets as we were walking in. Then, as a bonus, Celine Dion and Tony Bennett walked out on stage. Fun, crazy night, with fun, crazy friends. Any time I ever eat a baguette and Boursin again, I will think of that night.



4. I went to an open call audition for a Broadway musical at a renowned casting agency.

My friend Rachel flew in to audition for the mistress in Evita. I thought, "Hey, sounds like an adventure!" and tagged along. It was CRAZY and intense. Hundreds of young (and not so young) beautiful (and not) women, hoping to be discovered after singing 16 bars of a musical theater song. I spent hours in line, then had to sing a cappella, but I felt good about it. No regrets. Can check it off my bucket list!

5. Attended a San Antonio Spurs/NJ Nets game with my Valentine.

This was definitely the Valentine's Day where I won. We took the train out to Newark and walked to the stadium. It's always fun to watch the Spurs play live, and it was even more amusing to see that there were more Spurs fans at the game than Nets fans, on their own home turf! The subway ride home was the most memorable one yet, as we ran back and forth between the express and local platforms at Penn Station with other New Yorkers and tourists trying to catch trains and laughed really hard. And also, Ben got called ugly.




6. Attended eight Broadway shows.

I saw The Importance of Being Earnest, La Cage Aux Folles, Billy Elliot, Born Yesterday, Anything Goes, War Horse, and How to Succeed in Business twice. Earnest was delightful, La Cage had the most amazing male dancers, Billy had some impressive dancing by kids, Born Yesterday's highlight was Nina Arianda's performance, Anything Goes made me fall hard for Sutton Foster (she can do NO wrong),War Horse was inventive and emotional and my hands-down favorite, and How to Succeed had my favorite dancing and costumes and Harry Potter as a bonus! I only wish I could have seen more!



7. Watched a fireworks show on a pier on the Hudson River.

The company was awesome, it was a gorgeous, not too hot night, the kids were happy, and the fireworks were fabulous! Everyone had a great time. The worst part was when it ended and we had to get home. We ended up walking about 25 blocks when every subway platform and bus was filled to capacity. But I think it was worth it...








8. Visited the 9/11 Memorial.

Ben got tickets for us to go see the Memorial while his mom and sister were in town. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon in early November. The second we stepped into the memorial site, I felt like we were on sacred ground. Definitely memorable, and I'm glad I could take my kids there and talk to them about it.




9. Enjoyed Afternoon Tea at the Plaza Hotel.

My friend Lynda got a coupon for Afternoon Tea at the Plaza Hotel and invited me along for the swanky affair. Lucky me! We ordered the Chocolate and the New Yorker and dined on tiny sandwiches and desserts, and scones and cream, while sipping herbal Tuscan Pear tea. Our waiter with a mysterious accent even said to Lynda after she ordered, "Ah, you know your teas!" It was fun to see all the fancy older ladies around us, as well as a dad and his daughters enjoying the Eloise.






10. Ate the best pizza I've ever had, or will ever have, in my life.

Ben went on a pizza quest in 2011 and took me along for the ride, most of the time. We found our favorite place, Paulie Gee's, out in Brooklyn, and took lots of people out there. AMAZING. We have yet to find a person who dislikes it! We also really like Keste and Forcella.




Runners-up:

-Ran my first 5K through the Bronx Zoo
-Went sledding in Central Park
-Survived the Snowpocalypse
-Watched Ben get sworn in as a New York attorney
-Went clubbing as a VIP guest of Kaskade
-Watched Ethan march in the Veteran's Day Parade with his Cub Scout troop on 11/11/11!
-Went to the beach on Long Island
-Rode in a limo on Father's Day
-Ate pizza (Grimaldi's) and ice cream (Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory) under the Brooklyn Bridge
-Took Mila to the Lego store and American Girl Store
-Went to a NY Knicks game at Madison Square Garden and spent the whole time playing "Find the celebrity"
-Attended a special screening of "The Tree of Life" followed by a Q&A with the production designer
-Ate Doughnut Plant donuts and walked the High Line
-Prepared for and survived a non-hurricane
-Ate lots of cupcakes and Belgian waffles
-Went to many fun Zumba classes with my friends led by the one and only Chris
-Ryan and Kimberly Simmons showing up as Garth and Kat on Halloween
-Watched my daughter converse with and get an autograph from the author of The Invention of Hugo Cabret
-Attended two Martha Stewart tapings with friends
-Went to an amazing party for Ben's work at the Central Park Zoo with more free food than I've ever seen!
-Went to the Rockettes Christmas show with Mila
-Went to the amusement park Victoria Gardens, in the middle of Central Park
-Sang in church, accompanied by three gifted musicians
-Directed two children's plays in my 2 bedroom apartment
-Attended two Shakespeare productions at the Delacorte Theater in Central Park, one in the rain!
-Enjoyed the most beautiful fall November day in Central Park with Sherry and Melanie
-Went to more playgrounds and parks than I can count
-Ate at some crazy good restaurants

Looking forward to more New York adventures in 2012!*























*We had many other highlights during the year, including a wedding and Christmas in AZ, Ethan's baptism, a trip to Washington, D.C., trips to Boston, and visits from family and friends, but for the purpose of this post, I selected memories unique to New York!

It's no small thing

Small talk is one of my worst things.

I am 34 years old and I'm still learning things about myself. That's what I love about my 30's, because I discover things about me that are inherently true, and then I just accept them, whereas I spent my 20's stumbling on to self-discoveries and then attempting to squelch them. "What's that, self? You don't want to go to Super Saturday? Well, that just can't be right because everyone in their right mind needs an adorable, hand-painted turkey! Even if your stenciled squares ARE crooked!" I just refused to listen. But now I do. And my self has made me realize that small talk gives me anxiety.

Case in point. When I go to the school, I get into the elevator with all the other parents and kids and look down, avoiding eye contact. I focus on giving compliments to the kids on their rain boots, their Spiderman shirt, their fancy hairdo. When we get into the classroom, I smile at people and say hello, but I don't know what to say to them. I just don't. If someone starts a conversation with me, I will certainly oblige, but I often say strange things that I regret later. In the play yard after school, I hide in a corner of the playground to avoid small talk. I try to call Lisa or Rachel, or I get Mila involved in an intense conversation (it isn't difficult these days, all I have to do is say "Katniss" or "Food, Inc." and she's off.) I will sometimes approach a mom or group of moms I know and awkwardly eavesdrop on their conversation until I hear a jump-in point: "I know! Baking pies from scratch IS crazy hard!" but that's definitely only if I'm feeling brave.

I've always tried to tell people that I'm shy, but they never believe me, especially after I've just spent the last 30 minutes telling them my life story. But I know now that there's a difference between being shy and feeling comfortable with people. I just don't feel comfortable approaching someone and discussing the weather or where they grew up, or how many children I have (which is actually QUITE the icebreaker, let me tell you.) What I really want to do is to be able to walk up to someone and say, "How crazy was that episode of Walking Dead?" or "Chris kicked my butt in Zumba last night," or "I'm starving, let's go get Diet Cokes and Thai!" I crave familiarity.

I've tried getting better at it, but it's just not really my thing. Do people think I'm a snob? Well, yes. That has happened many times. Do I give negative first impressions? Indeed I do. I feel sometimes like maybe I should carry a card that says "Friend me on Facebook" and pass it to people, so we can get to know each other online first. Is that crazy? I actually have quite a few friends on Facebook that I know more online than I do in real life. Don't get me wrong. I love and value my real-life relationships. They are everything. I am so grateful for the many, many friends that I've made here in NY, that have accepted me and broken through my shell, as it were. By not opening my mouth, I guess I'm probably missing out on lots of other potential friendships. But then sometimes I get burned when I make an attempt. Like the mother of Mila's friend who indirectly reamed me for pulling my kids out of school the week before Christmas break (I'm sorry, but where else but New York do kids only get a 1 week Christmas break? Redonkulous!) That ended that pleasant conversation at Starbucks pretty dang quick.

It's funny, because I see this shyness/awkwardness in some of my kids as well. Mila just downright ignores people when they say hello to her. It's almost comical. I have to say, "Mila. Mila. MILA. So-and-so just said hi to you. Did you hear her? Oh, you did..." That's probably a little more of her dad's anti-socialness/I'm-on-another-planet-that-exists-in-my-mind, though. Ethan is the most social person in the world, so who knows where that came from, then you get to the twins, and their teachers tell me they are the quietest ones in the class. "Are they always so nice and quiet at home?" they ask. After I've finished laughing hysterically, I say, "No, no, in fact, they are anti-quiet." So, you see? It's all about who you feel comfortable with.

Modern Mormon Woman

I'm over on Modern Mormon Men today, talking about why New Yorkers find me a wee bit strange. Check it out here...

Things I think about when I'm running, since I have to distract myself from the fact that I'm running

Central Park is so pretty. She's like that girl you love to hate who looks good in any circumstance. She's breathtaking when all dressed up in fall splendor, but still looks mysterious and inviting covered in a layer of mist and fog. She's shiny and resplendent on a sunny day and sultry and quiet after dark. And absolutely stunning covered with snow. I want to be Central Park when I grow up. But seriously, I love it so much.

"What in the world are you doing with all your free time now?" This is what I get asked by well-meaning people on a daily basis. Because, you know, I don't have a "job." In the summertime, I used to daydream about the day when all my kids would be at school, and I pictured myself exploring the lower east side, taking pictures with a fancy camera (which I don't even own), or sitting in a cafe in the West Village drinking hot chocolate while reading a novel of my choice. I even thought it might be fun to pound the pavement with a head shot and resume, in the quest to book a minivan commercial or recurring role on 30 Rock. In my mind's eye, all of these things were done while wearing comfortable yet stylish boots and sometimes a hat.

I now realize that I was suffering from delusions of grandeur because school has been going strong for weeks now and I'm lucky to have time to sit and write this blog post. Yes, it's cliche, we're all busy, I know, but wow. It might have something to do with the fact that I volunteered to be a class parent for two of my kids' classrooms. I also volunteer for recess duty and clean-up and all kinds of school-related activities. I guess the guilt of always using my fallback line: "Sorry, I have twins," has finally caught up with me. Then there's the fact that I just got a new church job planning and holding weekly activities for the 8-11 year old girls. Yes, weekly. They don't mess around in the hood. Oh, and I'm teaching an after school drama class for 9 kids from first to sixth grades. Finally, there's the fact that I still have four kids. Four kids who still need to eat dinner at night and wear freshly laundered clothing and reside in a relatively germ-free, non rodent-infested apartment. They go to school all day, but it's not like they're in college. And so there's your bubble burst about life after kids go to school!

However, I should say that I am able to do all of these things without being accompanied by four short legs and two insatiable appetites. And I am able to exercise. And eat lunch by myself (which I looooooove) and watch my stories without pausing it to go break up a Polly Pocket fight every 5 minutes. So yes, life is good. But no, I am not on a perma-vacation.

Speaking of exercise, I'm in week 3 of an 8 week fitness challenge that wants to kick my bootay, but I'm not going to let it because I'm an over-achieving perfectionist and if someone gives me a report card, then by gum, I'm going to get that gold star! Basically, I can't have any Diet Coke, no desserts or sweets, no eating after 8 PM, I have to exercise 5 times a week for 30 minutes and read my scriptures 15 minutes a day. In addition to those things, there's a different challenge each week such as "eat five servings of vegetables a day" which is the challenge for this week and I'm so sick of spinach smoothies I could scream. I do get one free day a week, where I can drink Diet Coke or eat cupcakes or eat a Diet Coke cupcake, all at 10 PM. I keep hiding treats throughout the week and now I'm worried I won't find them all on my free day tomorrow. Do you know what a life-changing event it is for me to not consume refined sugar? If you know me well at all, then you're already calling BS on this entire paragraph. But I promise you, I'm doing it! And I feel pretty good. And my willpower is a weak little muscle that has NEVER been flexed in my life and now it's getting stronger and stronger and I'm so proud of its growth.

And for the challenge, I've been going to Zumba. And I love it. I feel like I'm a dancer in there. And I'm so not. But my teacher is awesome and says that the weird faces I make in the mirror crack him up. And I tell him that I make the weird faces because we're doing all these sexy moves but when I watch myself trying to do the sexy moves and all I see is a sweaty, dripping, reddened face, I can't take myself seriously. I just can't. And so I pull crazy faces. And Nigel Lythgoe would be ashamed. But I do hit it hard sometimes. And I think NappyTabs would give me props, but then I tweak my back, I hit it so hard, and I regret that in the morning.

I had a dream last night where I was talking to an old friend from high school. I was telling him all about something that's been weighing on my mind the last few days and he just listened and it was nice. This friend shows up in my dreams all the time, I think maybe because my overly sentimental conscious self seeps into my subconsious a lot. It's always nice to talk to someone you feel comfortable with, that won't make any judgements about you or your life decisions. I miss old friends like that. I'm not really friends with that guy any more because we dated and I think that's sad, and also something to file under things-to-warn-my-daughters-about. Or maybe it's just because married women in general don't have friends that are men. Except I do. Is it because I'm a theater person? Another topic for another day.

Well, great. Now it's 11:20 and I've got laundry to do because someone wet the bed (rhymes with "goosy") and a spinach smoothie to make and Revenge isn't going to watch itself.

Firsts is a Weird Word

As I reflect upon how crazy last week was, I realize that it was also a week full of firsts. In no particular order, here they are:

It was the first time all four of my children went to school from 8:30 AM to 3 PM. And yes, Ethan scored major awesome points after I noticed what he was doing in this photo.



It was the first time Lucy and Lane had been separated for more than about 2 hours, with the exception of the 24 hours they spent apart when they were 1 week old and Lane was at home while Lucy was still in the hospital.



It was the first time that I went to see a movie all by myself at 11:30 AM. I felt like someone was going to come in and arrest me or something for being a negligent mother, but no one did, and the five of us in the theater cried together while watching Harry Potter 7. Afterwards, I had a text conversation with Kacy about all of the new things I was thinking about after the movie. Just because I'm a giver, they were: Neville is the chosen one in the prophecy because he made it possible for V to die, Rowling talking about the magic in words via Dumbledore is awesome, the Malfoys ultimately achieve redemption for their son by putting him first, Snape's shared Patronus is super romantic, and when Harry breaks the wand, it reminded me of when Angel smashes the Gem of Amara.



It was the first time that a Thrillionaire came to visit in NY. Maclain's movie was in the Hell's Kitchen Film Festival (in which I get killed by a vampire girl off-camera) and so he flew out with his adorable wife Clare. Mac is like a brother to me. We laughed and laughed and it truly filled my soul. And Clare is awesome and has serious Settlers of Catan skillz. She won and we didn't even see it coming. Sadly, we took no pictures but I posted an old one anyway.

(This picture never actually happened. The creepy driver is Jake.)

It was the first (and let's be honest, probably last) time that I saw Celine Dion live. And Tony Bennett. And Andrea Boccelli. Ryan, Kimberly, Louise and I went to the free Andrea Boccelli concert in Central Park with ten thousand other New Yorkers. Someone threw two VIP passes at Ryan and Kimberly because they are so adorable, and we ended up doing high kicks to "Start Spreading the News" and eating baguettes and Boursin up in the swanky section. It was awesome.

Myself, Louise, and Ryan in our hastily snapped red carpet photo.

We were beyond excited.

It was the first time that I went from Sunday night to Friday night without seeing my husband for more than 15 minutes. I began to think I had made him up. When he came home on Friday at around 8:30, I thought we were being burgled. Not the best week for Ben.

It was the first time I ate 5 and a half pieces of pizza in one sitting. After Ben was released from the evil clutches of firm life, we spent Saturday evening with friends at Paulie Gee's, our new favorite pizza place. There were six of us so we got excited because that meant we could try six different pizzas! What we maybe didn't think through as much was the fact that it meant we'd be eating six different pizzas! But suriously (as Ethan says), they were super good. My favorite this time was the Del Boy that Lane got (not my Lane, a grown-up one that is super cool.)

The Del Boy, which was delawesome.

Mrs. Gee took this pic of us with Paulie himself.

All in all, it was a memorable week. I also watched some TV shows for the first time. Some good, some not so good. Confession: I liked the teenage witch show on the CW called The Secret Circle. It was actually pretty compelling. I wanted Up All Night and The New Girl to be funnier, but I realize that not every writing team can match the brilliance of Parks and Rec. It just can't be done.



Alright, everyone. Keep on keepin' on. You can do hard things. You can come to NY and eat pizza and watch 11 AM movies with me. You can! (Do it.)